How would you call someone who in one moment awakens everything inside of you and gives you this mind blowing sense of recognition?

You and I... we know each other. Why are we here as strangers? How could it be that I've lost you and what can I do to get back in touch with you?

This missing is unbearable...

 

Thirteen years passed. Years of searching for answers and explanations I couldn't find in the ordinary. A higher awareness woke in me and my interest in spirituality grew. 

I so much hoped that I could find a way to 'reunite' with my 'twin soul'.

That purpose, I didn't get from the books ore the oracles I was consulting, but from the deepest of my soul. It became my most important and obvious purpose.

 

The sense of missing, was so heart breaking that I felt an intense amount of sorrow and went through some pretty dark periods. Being a girl in her puberty at that time, people around me had quite different expectations of what I supposed to be into and how I supposed spend my time.

They'd expect me to be more open to peers, show interest in going out, blossom up... Well, I just managed to stay sane, get grades that were just well enough, see some friends every now and then and didn't act particularly strange nor harmful to anyone.  

I was just constantly carrying this heavy heart around and this huge sense of missing.

Well, I could not keep that hidden from my parents. It didn't take long before I decided to tell them all about it...

 

This is different than just an infatuation... This will never pass. How can I explain this? Everyone will think I'm crazy or obsessive...

But this feeling inside is so strong, it is really necessary that I meet him. He must know that I exist, how can I go on with my life otherwise? Than again he is an adult man and in his eyes I'm just a child. Besides that, there are so many that want to meet him and in that respect I'm nothing more than just one of his fans.

 

Although my parents had some concerns about it, they've always given me the space to explore this and find my own way through this. I really thank them for this. At first they thought it was just a matter of time before it would pass and that it was just a phase. But after a while they noticed that this was a part of me that wouldn't go. It was both convenient and confronting for them while I was opening up to them about this. They saw how hard this was for me and didn't know what they could really do to help me with this. 

 

I wrote him letters and cards en would send him my picture every once in a while, hoping he would get a sense of recognition as well. But it felt strange... I was too young for him and there were so many others that did exactly the same. And well indeed, he didn't respond...

Still it seemed 'letting go' was no option to me. I could not reconcile that with my feeling.

 

It was the summer of 2000. My eighteenth birthday came closer and I realized that I was letting 'the time to blossom' pass me by just like that. With a heart full of love under lock and key, because I was so convinced that this love was only meant to be for that one special person... There was just one thing left to do and I knew to convince my parents...

 

We decided to visit the place where he was living, and if it was really meant to be I would surely just run into him by chance.

If not, I told myself, I must find a way to accept that it's just not meant to be that way. Those days felt rather hazy... I'd been there for almost two weeks without 'just running into him by chance' and the day of return was approaching. That last night came and I felt I wanted to make one last evening walk... Something special took place there and then; I recognized someone, but it wasn't him. It was a close friend of his.

Without any moment of doubt I decided to approach him, introduced myself to him and told him more or less what the purpose of my visit was.

He wasn't alone though. The woman standing right next to him appeared to be none other than the lover of the one I was looking for. The lover of 'my twin soul'. In that moment I felt as if the ground under my feet was crumbling away.

I was there, we were so close, I was finally eighteen, but the timing was everything but right and at that time I had no idea what lessons I had to learn first...

 

Remarkably enough, his friend gave me his own correspondence address and told me I could write him if I'd like and that he would tell his friend I was there and would give him my best regards.

We said goodbye and the next moment I broke down and poured out my heart to my parents...

 

The time after this was merely consumed with processing the heartbreak and finally facing the far most hardest part in this story:

THE LETTING GO. Letting go and embracing yourself and the life you've been given. Unlocking your heart and letting your love flow, just how it is meant. It was never the intention for you to look at your love as something solely for your twin soul and for you to deny and exclude the rest of the world.

This realization slowly dawned on me at the time and was accompanied by a lot of pain and sorrow. But when I finally got the point, a wonderful period arose. I flourished and blossomed. I really got in touch with people in my every day life and finally dared to open up my heart to them more and more. I just felt the flow, I realized what I could mean to another and what they could mean to me. I started to realize that there's so much more that's meant to be than solely the reunification with that one special soul... 

 

There are more... Not like this one and only. But these are kindred as well. 'Kindred souls'. 

 

Life was becoming lighter, my heart was becoming lighter... There was a growing sense of meaning and nice contact with beautiful people. I didn't forget about him. Even if I'd tried, I wouldn't have managed to. He didn't cross my mind as much as before though, sometimes almost not at all for a while.

But he would always show up somewhere. In a dream, in a sign of synchronicity or just in a random thought.

I had accepted it and was so grateful for the awareness and inner enrichment it had given me.

 

 

But then, years later happend what no one had expected...

It was the summer of 2006.

I opened my e-mail and there it was...

His message, to me.

We had... contact.

 

 ∞

 

What happend after this, was almost too beautiful to express in words.

It is unworldly, a fairy tale, a sigh of ecstasy.

It is só beautiful, that for a while it was too intense for me to think back of.

But it is also too beautiful to just keep to myself.

This story I wish to share...

Albeit with respect for his and my own privacy.

 

In his e-mails he wrote to me that he had known about my existence for quite a while and that I had caught his attention and had touched him.

I was much too young at that time and he didn't want to get to me even more, fearing he'd only make things worse.

Apart from that, our lives where so different.

Having that said he told me he didn't forget about me though and that when he recognized my name in an online guestbook, he decided to finally send me a message...

 

I was completely perplexed.

Was this real? Was what I'd been believing to be true since I was eleven years old, finally being confirmed now?

What I'd been having to let go and had been needing to take 'distance' from? Was just thát, finding ME now?

 

The letters we sent each other became more and more beautiful and deeper...

There were life stories, declarations of love and confirmations. I was in total ecstasy and everything felt right.

 

When I'd go outside, it was as if I'd stepped into another dimension. I talked to the same people, went to the same work, was the same person, but the whole word felt completely different. There was no distance, no barrier to worry of. These things seem to have been the true illusion al along. 

The connection that I'd felt all along was not an illusion... That was actually real. 

 

It may seem logical that I didn't want anything more than for us to finally meet each other in real life. There was nothing holding us back now. I was at that time twenty four, we were both available, we had 'recognized' each other and we had this mutual desire to meet and find out about our connection.

It could not have been more perfect...

 

Well, you can sense it, right? The 'but' in this story. The 'but' that throws a spanner in the works. The 'but' that changes the tune in the fairy tale and keeps the 'happily ever after' far from sight.

 

He didn't want anything more than to meet me face to face as well.

BUT... He kind of hinted me that he was afraid not te be ready yet. There had been and still were some things going on in his life and he had to still process a lot of this. He didn't feel quite comfortable in his own skin yet.

Looking back, it took a while before I understood what he might had been sensing at that time. What I didn't consider to be an obstacle, because I was completely consumed by the complete euphoric feeling of mutual recognition!

 

The reunion won't be forced. If the timing isn't right and the individuals aren't 'whole', the circumstances might still seem magically perfect, but the lessons will start to manifest no matter what and the painful stage of having to 'let go' will be inevitable...

 

You might now think that he insisted on postponing our meeting and that it didn't come to a meeting at all. But it wasn't like that! Despite him doubting if the time was right, he let himself get carried away by the magical sensation and strong desire for the 'happily ever after'...

And so it happend... I took the plane to be with him for eighteen days, in his life, in his house. There was no doubt, no fear.

Just a lot of hope, quite soms excitement and two arms, wide open to finally embrace him! Because that was what I was longing to do the most. Embrace him. I wanted to put that feeling from my soul into a pure and heartfelt gesture...

 

The meeting

There he stood, when I came walking through the gate with my suitcase...

I saw him immediately and seeing his smile I knew he recognized me as well.  

I walked over to him. We looked at each other smiling and embraced each other tightly. It was amazing... It really was him.

In fact we were 'strangers', but in reality it felt so familiar. I didn't expect it to be anything other.

 

 

I felt no fear, no awkwardness. We knew each other in essence already, because we are of the same essence, because the soul connection has always been and will always be.

 

It was so delightful to hear him say 'I'm so happy that you're here.' We got into his car and drove to his house. From that moment on we've shared so much with each other. There were no awkward moments of silence, there was no tendency to pretend to be someone we are not. He told me his whole life story, including all the good and the bad stuff. He trusted me things I could hardly contain and told me about his 'lighter and darker sides', as if he knew that it wouldn't matter anything on the soul level.

As I felt it, we were truely 'naked' during those conversations and I was so grateful for the deep connection I was experiencing. 

 

We were 'naked', we were 'honest', but we were not 'whole'...

 

He had quite some experience when it comes to love relationships. I didn't though. I was green as grass and had never really dared to 'give' myself to someone until then. Despite of the deep feeling of trust for him and the desire for intimacy, I felt that something held me back when he first approached me in a certain way. Was it just that I felt somewhat uncomfortable because of my lack of experience or was it a profound fear of losing myself again, into this addictive infatuation with someone I had learned to let go? 

Or was I subconsciously knowing that by allowing feelings of 'lust' into this, it might interfere something as pure and uncomplicated as 'the friendship' we had? Something was causing me to hold back. For me letting feelings of 'lust' getting into the scene would mean the risk of developing expectations, attachment and feelings of jealousy...

I hadn't had my lessons in that. He had, though...

He had totally different kinds of lessons going on and these were anything but easy as well.

 

Yet, it did come to the point where I 'surrendered' and allowed all these feelings of desire and infatuation to come in. That was not the moment that all turned out right, living happily ever after, though.

It even seems that it was in that moment that the 'nasty BUT' came into the scene.

We had expressed our love and we had made love BUT...

However dual it may sound... This has nothing to do with the soul connection.

 

Soul connecting has nothing to do with making love physically. It doesn't make the connection weaker or stronger.

The connection is always real. The way and intensity in which you experience this connection can be affected by the actual relation you have and your own choice in this.

 

When I thought of us as being 'lovers', I started to develop certain expectations. I wanted to feel that despite of his problems he was willing to really go for me. I longed for his confirmation and started to feel quite insecure when he started to slip off into a dark place. He seemed to shut off, getting more depressed and harder to reach. And I... I tented to interfere with his problems and his 'strategy of solving' them. It was hard for me to see him slip off into that dark place more and more and I was in fact pushing against something that was a part of his 'karma', or in other words: his life lessons.

And he... he showed me that he couldn't give me what I was starting to desire; a life together with him, in harmony.

 

He literally told me he hoped to marry me one day, but that I shouldn't spend my time waiting for him. That he wanted me to enjoy myself and others and shouldn't feel guilty about it towards him... He had a lot of messes to clean up and suspected it would take him quite a while. 

It touched me... But I denied. I wouldn't have it. I didn't want to let him go already, weren't we just reunited?

I had just dared to open up and give myself fully... For me this was again out of question.

But I had no choice, this was what I needed to do. LET GO.

 

Looking back, he presented me the perfect mirror... It is what twin souls do. It is the love that is selfless, only pursuing the wholeness of the other one and of itself, because in essence they are one.

 

Our goodbye after those eighteen days was so sad... I cried and cried and he was kind of numb.

But the bizarre and at the same time wonderful thing, is that through it all we kept laughing together and still had the most interesting conversations. In my opinion this wouldn't be the end of our contact. Just like he asked me: 'You'll let me hear from you, right?'

 

To me it seemed completely natural that we would keep in touch FOR SURE, that we would write each other and that we would meet again as soon as possible.

But after a few confronting e-mails back and forth, showing an increasing sense of depression from his side and where he kept talking about 'the wrong timing', it went completely silent from his part.

No reaction followed anymore.

Maybe he thought that this was the only way to be able to LET GO.

But that's just my interpretation. So far he's never let me know...

Anyway.. letting go became inevitable again.

 

Again my life lessons presented itself clearly, also bringing me some beautiful things.

He was right. No matter how hard I tried to deny... It wasn't our time to be together in a relationship.

It was not so much about age or being available.

It was more about our life lessons, or call it 'karma' and our own sense of 'wholeness'.

 

I don't want to pretend to know all about it.

I think anyone of us can merely contain a fraction of it all and every now and then I become just al little more aware of what I need to be aware of.

 

Where I am in this story now...

I'm happily married to a man I love very much. A man with a beautiful soul. I am very grateful for him in my life and

wouldn't want it any other way.

Besides that I am grateful for all the other special connections with those who feel like 'kindred souls'. It seems as if I've come to recognize them quicker and appreciate them even more. Or that they are appearing more...

 

As for my 'twin soul'...

The connection is real and has always been.

If we'll ever get in touch again...?

That presents itself as it is intended and no other way than that.

 

 

And that... is quite reassuring.

∞

 

Written by: 'Luna Eira'

 

 

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